clean clean!

I just completed my annual spring cleaning! Okay, maybe this is the first spring cleaning I've ever done.. BUT it's gonna become annual! And I do realise that this probably better qualifies as winter cleaning... hmm.. BUT BUT BUT! The point is, my room is now. SPACIOUS. Like having more space than things. Hahahas..

I think I junked out somewhere about half of my possessions. Things which I don't know why I kept until now. Sec 3 QA test tubes! CAN YOU IMAGINE. I keep for what sia? Then there were tonnes of letters from Prudential stuff and DBS and all..

Man, if I ever get the chance to stay on my own in the future, I won't ever clog up my place like this man. Luckily Ma wasn't around to pick back the things that I threw. Hahahas.. And now it's too late because I already emptied the bin into the chute! =P

Anyways, I'm gonna like go to Melacca for a few days.. Doubt I'll be very much needed cos everyone's like busy meeting people or working these days.. But don't miss me all the same! =)

I couldn't really sleep yesterday night after I got awoken again by an SMS. I just kept having thoughts of my grandmother dying...

Back on Saturday night my auntie was talking about how she wanted to get a GP to certify the death if it happened. I don't know how can they talk about it so candidly. Yes, I know it's just a matter of time. But is there no respect? It's almost as if they are just waiting for it to happen. I know they don't wish it but I just felt really really weird listening to the conversation.

And how would I react when it really does happen?

Somehow I haven't been able to shake off this downcast feeling ever since I came back from aussieland. It's a combination of factors. But there are days when it feels like everything is just going to overflow or crumble. I don't know how long I can do this. I don't believe I have ever felt so down before and it's really killing me. Argh..

You Could Be Happy by ~mrsuan on deviantART

I was just listening to the music playing on my handphone when it turned to this track by Snow Patrol. And it reminded me of that day in Plaza Singapura..

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wish I had not said
Are played in loops til it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
Not our last days of silent screaming blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Just do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Daddy's Back!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I AM BACK!!!

Woot! Never knew I would enjoy watching Channel Newsasia while lying on my sofa that much. Oh the Singaporean perfect English! The fakeness! AND THE SINGLISH!

I LOVE SINGAPORE!

lima

I need to start rethinking how I should blog. I seem to have fallen into some kind of habit to hide or to distance how I really feel with these words. It may not seem so with the colourful nature of my language, but it really feels so.

I seem to be feeling things less acutely than I used to. Life used to be so rich and colourful and every moment was just waiting to happen. Now, where did that all go to? Did I spend too much time chasing imaginary love? Did I spend too much time thinking that I stopped doing? Frankly, I really don't know.

I am a deeply selfish man who thinks too much about himself to care for others. That's what I'm starting to see in myself. And even thinking that reinforces this fact. Maybe that's why.. why I seldom get to keep friends.

It's probably time to fade away for a while.. and to take a break.

Se7en

Just 7 more days to go before I land on my beloved Singapore soil! I am about to ORD tomorrow and it's difficult not to feel a certain feeling of folly on my own part for extending. Perhaps this was really not what I expected FSG to be. Somehow it seemed a lot fancier back in SOL.

I just finished the video montage for our finale BBQ. I guess together with all the angst from the bullshit here, there have been several memorable moments. I have also gained some good friends here.

Take for example the Signallers. I must say they are one of the teams I admire the most. Not only because of their cohesiveness, even in their petty quarrels, but also because of how funny they are and how seriously they take their work. Now that's admirable.

The scenery here is also the best I have seen yet with my own eyes. I've never seen so many stars in my life, nor have I seen such a long stretch of beach. Not to mention the cute little sand crabs which make the tiny balls of sand. Kawaii desu!

What I leave with is the knowledge of the person I don't want to become, and also how I can better control myself emotionally.. Now, I just want to make the best of these last few days.

Let's partyyyyy!!!

This exercise has taught me fully that no good deed goes unpunished. In fact, I do believe this is one of the more fucked up exercises I have been to (not that I have been to that many).

I shall not say so much. Suffice to say that the Army is filled with people with their own agendas and who will take advantage of others to attain whatever aim. That to me is fucked up. I wonder why I ever even thought of signing on in the first place.

You know, it's just as well. This fully convinces me not to sign on. Unfortunately, it has also proven to me that to put myself out there to help others almost always leads to people taking advantage at my expense.

What can I say? Life's a bitch. And most people are sluts. Bloody fornicators!

12

I can't believe that it has been 2 days since I last wrote. Seems like we have finally found the secret to wasting time and not feeling it: DotA and Company of Heroes.

It's funny how we never ever thought of playing dota all the while in Frame 1 and only stumbled upon it in Frame 2. I mean.. It was in my computer and 2SG Neo's computer all along. How come we never touched it? Then 2WO Lui thought of the wonderful idea of buying a game back from Big W. Woohoo! We have been playing since.

I have been feeling lately that I am not really fulfilling my duties as a QM here. I mean. I am basically rotting here as compared to Singapore. And it's really not as if there is nothing to do here. I guess I can find a lot of things to do if I wanted to. I can talk more to my men and understand them more if I wanted to. But I just CHOOSE to rot around. And the feeling of fucked-up-ness just doesn't help either. Is this what homesickness does to you?

Anyways, there has been quite a number of unpleasant things up in my head lately that I wish I could kbox out. Or dota out. Or just shop out. But I can't because I am stuck in bloody Aussieland. Argh.. This is a horrible feeling.

Time fly faster!!

14

I called back on Saturday evening to find that my grandmother was hospitalised again. Ma said that she was having fits of being stiff and unresponsive in the mornings. They couldn't really figure out what was wrong even though they suspected stroke.

After the death of 2 grandfathers and 1 grandmother, with 2 of such deaths being so recent, I would have thought that I should be numb to the fact that there is nothing we can do to prevent Death from claiming my sole remaining grandparent. Yet I still dread this looming doom.

Since my other grandmother died, I guess I have unconsciously distanced myself from Ma Ma as we affectionately call my paternal grandmother. I couldn't really take her not remembering me in her Alzheimer's or my uncle trying to make her remember me, thereby highlighting the fact that she doesn't. That was especially painful for me.

Sometimes I wonder how it would be like when life comes to an end for me. How exactly does Ma Ma feel? Does all we do in our life culminate to that one moment where we take our last breath? What goes through her mind each day? When I reach that day too, what will my kids do to me? Will I also amount to a mindless burden in their eyes, only fit for coaxing reserved for babies? It must be miserable for her.

I only hope that I will be able to get back home in time... Yet. Is that a selfish thought?

I have sometimes thought if life is worth living if each day is misery. Is MK right to think that it's better to die young? Perhaps. After all, the longer we live, the more regrets we live with. Isn't it better for life to end when it's the most beautiful than when everything has withered and is past? Then again, wouldn't that be part of what we should experience too?

I guess I will never ever have any answers until I do. Until then, I just pray that everyone's safe from harm back at home.

17

Another month, another 16 days before I leave the training area AND another 18 days before I leave Australia! More and more people are starting to leave and I am really starting to wish I was one of them. Oh wells.

Anyways, I just got promoted today! Woot! I think that statement's for a lot of other 2LTs too. We are now LTAs! At least that's another milestone towards ORD, which for me is 60 days away. =)

I have been doing my usual emo thinking about things that I cannot solve and things I don't dare to say for things I have no answer for.

Can't wait to go home!

19

I was getting really bored so I started reading manga other than the usual Naruto and Bleach. I thought One Piece was now too big for me to start following, so I went for the No.4 instead.

Bitter Virgin.

It's a story about how this girl got raped and abused by her stepfather and her mother refused to believe her. She had a baby and aborted it and then had another baby again which was sent for adoption. Then she finally left her family and started being afraid of guys.

And the story starts the Guy meeting the Girl and swearing that he would never fall for the Girl but eventually falling for her. -_-

So I'm now at the part where the Guy finds out that he likes the Girl but doesn't know if the Girl likes him and is afraid to tell her that he likes her because he thinks that it's impossible for them to be together. Hmmmm.

I wonder how the story will end.

22

You know, I realised I've never really asked myself what I liked. I probably did that a long time ago making a list of likes and dislikes, but most of the time, I was more concerned with observing what others liked or disliked.

So since I've had so much time here, I think it's a good time to consolidate my thoughts and figure out what kind of things I like. That probably sounds weird because people are supposed to know what they like, but hey, I never really did take a step back to look at it. So here's my chance!

Likes.

1) Kayaking. Not really the sprints but the recovery from sprints. I know that I have sucky strokes and I would never ever be near the fastest. It's really the rowing up part that gets to me. Because you can enjoy how the water touches your paddle and how you are just gliding along. Especially after an arduous row, you feel the ultimate sensation of relaxation from just paddling without really thinking with the trees going past. Wahhh.

2) Running. This is quite an unlikely one, considering the sweat it generates and how it makes me pant under my fats =/ But I realised that running can be quite addictive for me, especially because it burns lots and lots of fat! Hahas.. Just kidding! It's more about that feeling of accomplishment after running a certain distance and saying to yourself, "hey, I didn't know I could do that!"

3) Swimming. I've always liked this because just doing the laps allows my mind to wander. Kinda helps in Math too by counting laps. Hahas.. But I haven't really been swimming lately because I'm often too lazy to go to the pool. Hmmm.

4) Reading. Well, it's one of the best ways to pass time if you've got a good book in your hand, like what I have now. It's my 4th book already! Hopefully the stock doesn't run dry before the 22 days are over. Reading really helps too when all you want to do is get away from the people jumping up and down in your face. All I need is a room and a cup of water plus my book to occupy me for hours on end. Bliss!

5) Cycling. I can't say I absolutely love it yet, but I have been slowly modifying my MB to become a faster, lighter bike. Like part road, part trail. Hehs. And it's a good way to get to work. If I could then I would want to go everywhere in a bike. But the bloody trucks in Singapore have no respect for human life. Pfft. I'm looking to changing my seat and adding a small pouch under it. Then I'd be ready to take it somewhere further than Bishan. Hahas.

6) Going out with friends. I was going to say DotA, but I am not as hardcore as all the rest of the clique combined. In fact I probably don't like it much.. What I do like is the times we get to chill out or just go have a game or two. The bar sessions are quite fun too. Yeah. Pretty much any time out with friends is pretty good time.

7) Talking. I realised that I get to sort things out better when I start talking. It's almost like I can't really think without talking. Hmm.. But as people would know, I generally am not someone who talks a lot. I wonder why...

Dislikes.

Hmmm.. I can't think of anything specific actually. Individual people, yes, but no traits or things to speak of. Pickles, perhaps?

Well, I think that's that. Gee. That makes my life kinda 2 dimensional doesn't it? Oh wells. I guess that's just me. =P

24

I am resorting to sleeping in the day to pass the time. From past experience, this means that things are starting to go downhill. I normally only sleep when I get those super depressing "I don't want to talk to anyone" moods. And I guess I am getting there too..

The "big hoohah" has sort of died down and we are back to normal boring life again. I know it's sadistic, but at least it did something to help me occupy my time. I can't believe there's still 4 weeks left after so long!!

The first thing I want to do when I get back to Singapore go out with my friends!!!! =///

25

Just gotta hang in there and in a moment's time everything will be over. I think there can't be more drama than what happened here this past few days. I really have to be careful what I wish for next time.....

31.

Sipping Jim Bean Coke and accumulating my ORD hair while I am here. This was a particularly eventless day with no one asking for stores. Haix. The long road ahead seems dreary and dusty. When can I see my beloved homeland once more?!

Right now I fully appreciate what it really means to be homesick. It's not really that you are consciously thinking of home, just that home is so many times more attractive than a foreign country where everything is so strange and unfamiliar. I oft have to fake an accent just to get my desired subway. It's so much easier back in Singapore where people can actually get Singlish. Wah.. I so appreciate our manner of speech now. =/

Anyways, I finally got myself a utility knife and I am wondering what I can do with it. It just seemed cool at the time. Hahas.. Well, I'm sure I'd find use for it.

Bought myself a new book that was touted "John Grisham, step aside". Hopefully it lives up to the hype! Hopefully it lasts more than 3 days too. Argh.

I think it's about time I started calling people. Feeling super isolated from everyone because I don't really have any lines of communication with anyone outside of this prison. And Facebook is just a poor substitution for humans. The time gap between here and Singapore is really irritating though. Take for example now. I'm starting to get quite tired because of the weather here, but it's only 5 p.m. in Singapore. That means that no one is online and everyone is just starting to pack up from work. By the time it is 7 p.m., it would have been too late and I would either be watching a late night movie in the mess, or I would be knocked out in my tent. Bleh. So be understanding and flood my Wall and tagboard eh? Hahas..

Oh, and did I mention that my hair is growing absurdly long? A hair cut here costs $16. And that's just the barber. Imagine if I wanted to get a stylist.. Perhaps I can keep this hair all the way until August next year and scare everyone. Hahahahs.

Alright. I should go. You take care and I love you! Haixxxx.

32

Everything is starting get on my nerves and the only thing that's keeping my sanity is listening to music off my iBook. Bro's iPod is spoilt - I am so gonna get killed when I get back. Fuck.

The fact that there is 32 days left is really really demoralising. I am starting on my 3rd book and it somehow has to last me till the end. I bet I will even finish reading the bible then! Haix..

Let me go homeeeee!

34.

There are 17 more days to my promotion, 32 more days to leaving here and 34 more days to leaving this country.

I wonder what kind of world I will return to. You know, when you have left a place for some time, things change. It seems like a global financial meltdown had occurred while we were stuck in this place, and at the same time, a huge emergency package had rescued it. All these are happening at so quick a pace!

Life down here has been pretty much the same. I have had to deal with cleaning up other's shit. You know, the worst thing that you can do as a superior is to distrust the professionalism of your subordinate and create shit for him to do. That is the quickest way in my opinion to earn disrespect and spit from anyone.

Anyways, I'm just being angsty to fill time, so don't mind me.

On other fronts,

39

Finally some time and Internet for an update!

I have been here for about 7 days now. It has been rather monotonous really. Every day is about waking up, working, then sleeping again. And everything is really starting to get me peeved.

The weather here's rather good, with the temperature dropping to about 20 degrees at night, allowing us to have good air con without it becoming too cold. Just have to stay indoors during noon time though. It's fucking hot.

So anyways, it was not as impressive as I thought it would be. The troops' arrival I mean. It's even less than a ripple than the rain makes. Maybe it's because it doesn't rain in here. Hmm.

I'm missing home a lot too. Nothing really specific, just the general feeling of being home and feeling rested instead of lying on the cross leg bed all night in a semi-awake state. We were just having lunch and somehow the talk turned to $12 rojaks. Basically we were wondering if anyone would sell us $12 worth of rojak if we asked for it (back in Singapore, of course). And we were talking about how we would want less tau pok and more you tiao, and just half the amount of beansprouts. Hahas.. yes, we are hungryyyy.

Some other thing has been bothering me too, and I really wish I could go back to Singapore so that I wouldn't have time to think about it so much. It's really a cruel sort of entertainment for me. At least the fantasies keep me going.

Man, I wish time would fly faster. And I would have more to do. And that I can hop on the MRT and just go over to Orchard with somma friends or have some rich cake (pun intended!). Arghhh. To think they are playing DotA without me =/

Oh wells. I'll just have to bear with it and hang in there and encourage myself more and blah blah blah. Haixx.

forty-seven.

Dear folks,

I will be leaving you for my training area tomorrow morning. It has been a fun and new experience here at ___ University. Although the food is a little too expensive, a little too fattening and a little too yucky, all in all it turned out quite okay.

I am going to miss the Internet connection here man. Where I go is a place without reception. Haix...

I am so dreading the fact that for another 1 month plus I will be inside! ARGHHH.

Nothing much to say le. Take care you guys, it's goodbye for real this time.

Preview!

四十八。

再过两天我们就会进入演习区，我也必须真正的与你们道别了。

过了那么多天，我开始觉得选择来到这里是个错误。不要误会，我并不是指这里的人不好之类的···只是我觉得在新加坡可以做更多的事。在这里好像废人一样，不是吃就是睡，不然就是开会。超无聊！

因为２４小时都是在“军士”环境下，我发现自己不时会胡思乱想，把自己埋地好好的事都揪了出来。还是别说那么多了吧！听歌！

回到过去

一盏黄黄旧旧的灯 / 时间在旁闷不吭声
寂寞下手毫无分寸 / 不懂得轻重之分
沉默支撑跃过陌生 / 静静看着凌晨黄昏
你的身影 / 失去平衡 / 慢慢下沉

黑暗已在空中盘旋 / 该往哪我看不见
也许爱在梦的另一端 / 无法存活在真实的空间

Chorus

想回到过去 / 试著抱你在怀里
羞怯的脸带有一点稚气
想看你的看的世界 / 想在你梦的画面
只要靠在一起就能感觉甜蜜

想回到过去 / 试著让故事继续
至少不再让你离我而去
分散时间的注意 / 这次会抱得更紧
这样挽留不知 / 还来不来得及

想回到过去

思绪不断阻挡著回忆播放
盲目的追寻仍然空空荡荡
灰蒙蒙的夜晚睡意又不知躲到哪去
一转身孤单已躺在身旁

Repeat Chorus

沉默支撑跃过陌生 / 静静看着凌晨黄昏
你的身影 / 失去平衡 / 慢慢下沉

想回到过去

50

Today was the first day that I stepped into the Training Area, since it was Recce Day. Things went by pretty fast and we managed to do quite a thorough check of the camp site. I would think that I will quite like the next month judging by the facilities and all.

Once again, He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named managed to piss me off somehow. I guess it's just a different way of working. Since I am like quite the small bird here, I shall just back off and not do anything and shut the f**k up.

That leads me to think though, why am I even here when my grandmother is dying and my RQ is working so hard even as she battles everyday. What am I doing here?!

52

I'm lazy to update today.. Basically it was a day spent on watching Constantine on Movie 6. There's really nothing much =/ I wanna go back to Singaporeeeeeeeee!

53

At a certain point of our little insignificant lives, we have to look at the realities and think, "What should I do for the rest of my life so that it means something?" At a certain point we have to wake up from our little dreams of living in a hamlet overseeing the greenest pastures, and rocking in the patio reading the newspaper. Even that elusive dream of being with who you really want to be with.

I have been thinking about this a lot, not just when I was here, but also back in Singapore. That was what that bout of wanting to sign on was about. And I cannot say that I have totally discounted the idea of doing so.. just that I was greatly discouraged by the lack of incentives.

The thing about dreams is that they stop you from really living. I find that I have dreamt up so many things and thought so idealistic of the whole world that I have forgotten that there are more than what I want to do to consider.

In the real world, there are bills to pay. That means that you will have to work for what you want. In the real world, people around you die if you are not careful enough. Why dream of loving someone who's not there when there are so many around you for you to love?

I guess a dream is really is just really something you have in mind for you to work towards to, something to motivate you, not something that dominates you.

For the umpteenth time, time to wake up, Mr Suan!

杰倫新曲！！

周董终于又出了一首《稻香》。新专辑试否就要出现了呢？＝）

54

This was a long day. We started discussing food with the contractors and it turned out to be quite fruitful. Seems like we are not wasting our time after all! And we managed to give quite a good update to G4.

You know, in life you meet different people who have so many different views and thoughts. Thoughts that may not necessarily coincide with yours. Hopefully I can control myself enough to work with him. I mean, he's not a bad guy. I just dislike people who try to be politically correct and just look out for the own benefit. People who want to show off their stuff and knowledge without really having much of it. Okay, he's not so bad.. but it's just the vibe. Wrong frequency!

Anyways, we had a very extended brief to G4, causing us to only take dinner at 8 plus. That meant that we had to go to Big W again. Wah.. I saw some very chio girls at the food stalls =)) But I think angmoh body composition is quite screwed up. Big asses and big melons. I still like Asians - we are more well proportioned. Hahas.. I had a good feast though. Hehs.

Did I mention that the servings were huge? I had Creamy Chicken and Mushroom Pasta and it was better than Pastamania's cos of the REAL and BIG CHUNKSA chicken. Really really filling and wholesome. Hahas. Who would have known that microwaved food can be this good?

I think the people here think that we are aliens. Well, we literally are, actually. Hmm.. there was this goth guy who high-fived me, and a lady who stopped one of the Warrant Officers and asked what we were doing there.. And I thought coming out in the local newspaper was publicity enough.

I'm quite tired now.. so I'll just retire. Tomorrow seems to be rather free for me. I wonder what I'll do..

55

We, the people in my block, are getting so bored in the evenings that we resort to walking up and down the aisle visiting each other. Which is sad. You see, people in the-place-next-to-the-place-with-the-haka rest really really early - like 4.30pm early. And it gets dark by 6.30pm so your body clock really screws up because you keep thinking that it's real late when it's not. Especially when in Singapore, it's two hours earlier. Like you there would have just left camp or school or wherever the crap you study/work at. And you wouldn't even have thought of dinner. I'm already thinking of sleep.

I became depressed enough to nap for a while after dinner today. Gosh. I think when you have only a small group of people living together, it gets rather claustrophobic. Claustrophobic in the sense that you can't just walk away or avoid some minute detail that you do not like. And as a guai lan person, you'd just be really affected by it. Darn.

Anyways, we received bad news of another screw up today. Not exactly our fault, but it was quite an impact nonetheless. When you have been in my line long enough, you'd realise that everything is your fault even if it isn't really. Because we are supposed to be the perfect people churning out things while mindless people just use them and chuck them somewhere. -insert vicious swearword-

Everything's still kind of vague now because we are unable to move. They only allow us to go in on 29th, and it kind of slows us down a bit. We can't really see, and we can't really rush ourselves, which is frustrating. In Singapore, we were all so used to working till our butts stuck to the chair, but right here, it's almost as if they were forcing us to move them to the malls. Hmmm..

I need some contact before I go crazy. Haix.

56.

The day of work was much shorter today. Like I said before, I feel totally unnecessary here. I can be killed by stampeding wallaroos and nothing would matter. That said, I feel totally proud of my inventory which I created out of what the contractor gave me. It's like super colourful and I finished it in a matter of 2 hours, giving me a full picture of where all the stores are gonna go and what stores I have waiting for me in the containers that I packed over.

We went to Big W today for a mini shopping spree to get the stress off our heads and I finally bought my body wash! Man, imagine showering with just shampoo and water for two days! Now I can feel a semblance of cleanliness on me. And I got me a comb too... if my hair still has about 2 months of growing to do, I think I should start to tame it.

On other news, I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows! I know, I know. You probably read that like a year back. But I bought it only at $22.42 but stupid you got it at almost $60! Hahahas.. But I must say, it was a good ole gripping read. Wonder if its just me, but it seems to be a faster read than any other Harry Potter.

Time seems to be moving quite slowly now. There are so many things that we are discussing but can do nothing much about. It's like a waiting game, and everything hinges on the units arriving and us getting our acts together so that everyone leaves happy and so that all the wrongs that have been done can be corrected.

I wonder how my grandma is now.. Hopefully she is alright. Hopefully all of you back in Singapore are alright too.. Pray for me yeah? Pray for steadfastness, endurance and faith to complete what I have to do and not to let negative feelings or thoughts overcome me in my boredom. Hahahas..

Okay. I really have nothing much to say anymore.. Til later!

57

Hello again, and it's me from Place-Bigger-Than-A-Stone-But-Smaller-Than-A-Boulder.

It's the second day, and I'm feeling really tired. Is this jet lag? Hahas.. It's strange because it's now 6 pm here but it's supposed to be just 4 pm in Singapore. And I woke up at 4 am today. Just kept falling asleep when the Commander here was briefing us on what we are to do and what to observe.

Frankly speaking, I am feeling quite inadequate here. Almost like I am not needed. I guess that's because my work will only really start (and suck) when the exercise troops start coming in. Right now I just have to study all the data that I have and hope for the best. =/

Getting dizzy spells lately. I suspect I might have gotten hypertension from all the excess flab. FUCK. Hopefully the Go-Overseas-Get-Slim plan works. So far it's not.. Hahas...

Okay. See you again!

58

I just landed in The-Place-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named and got transferred to the Domestic Airport. True to my professional blogger ethics, I have decided to risk writing down everything so that my millions of readers (The Power of POSITIVE THINKING!) can get this back at home =)

The first thing that struck me about Place-Where-Domestic-Airport-Resides was the strange fact that there were so many buildings near the airport. And heavy industries, for that matter. You know, back at Changi, there was nothing near the runway except for, well, the Prison. But right here, it seems like they built Jurong Island right next to Place-Where-Domestic-Airport-Resides International! Talk about environmental consciousness eh!

In all Singaporean style, my captain who was with me check out the price for a bottle of Coke right after we landed. Make a wildddd guess. THREE FUCKING DOLLARS! That makes it about $3.50 Sing. Expensive sia!

We then went to the train platform to get to the Domestic Airport for Somewhere-Larger-Than-Stony. Well, it was quite peculiar in my view, cos the Domestic Airport was much bigger than the International one. I guess that's because the population of Place-Where-Domestic-Airport-Resides is larger than that of the rest of the world? Go figure.

Just had a Subway sandwich. Looks like some things are the same wherever you go. Just that Burger King is called Hungry Jacks here and you place your order to an angmoh.

It's really rather disconcerting because of their accent. I can barely make out what they are saying and it's just total strangeness. I guess it's my Asian inferiority complex kicking in. Shrugs. Worst still is the Asians who speak with the accent. Totally weird. And to have angmohs serving me instead of the other way round is just. Wrong. Hmmm.

Alright. That's all the time I have for now. Until next time!

so long, beloved.

It's finally come to this. A little more than 6 hours to check in, and I haven't really begun to pack my luggage yet. Well, the gortex jacket just went in, if you really want to know the details.. and I had to vacuum my brother's kit bag cos mine was destroyed when we came back from Taiwan the other time.

I am feeling quite apprehensive about the whole thing, and I was moody for the most of these past two weeks because of this. I mean. It's 2 months! In two months so many things can happen.. I am so rooted now to my job and my home that I cannot imagine transplanting myself to some foreign country for so long.

Top of my worries now is how my grandmother will be doing.. She just got admitted into the hospital 2 days back because she had a heart attack in the middle of the night. The doctor says that she would have to get a stent to clear the artery.. But I know what happens when old people go to the hospital... I mean. She is quite old now. I really don't know if she can take such a big surgery. The doc said that they would have to do a scope first to determine the extent of the damge. And that will be done next week. In my heart I'm thinking. What if something happens, and I am not here?

You know, it's really sadistic of us to want to see our loved ones die in our culture. And it's supposed to be filial to do so. I don't know.. I just hope that it doesn't happen any time soon. I mean, I know people have to die, and she is of age now, so it can be any time, but I really don't know what will happen when she does go. How will the dynamics of our already weirdly strained extended family change again?

The old are really the strings that hold all of us together. Without them, we are just like floating debris, drifting without purpose.

Then of course, I worry for my RQ. I doubt she will be able to handle the massive amounts of shitwork (sai gang) I left behind for her. Not to mention the fact that she is still sick. Frankly speaking, I think I am a selfish bastard for being glad that she is back to cover the work. What she has is so much more important than all these silly account balancing and talking to other poeple about unresolved crap.

What she really needs to do is to stay at home and rest and love her children, go with her daughter to Australia to look at the university, go with her son to the golf course and watch him play. Those things. Not slaving for a job that can only kill you.

Now that I am about to leave, there would be no one to guard them anymore. I know, staying here means little too.. But at least in my little way, I would have been able to look from a distance and help out if I can. Now that I'm gone, everything is left in the cruel hands of Fate.

Hopefully when I come back, everything would be alright. =)

摘星

Did I mention that I was finally going to take my piano examinations next year? It has been 6 years since I started playing the piano, yet I have never took up the courage to really go for the exams. I never could quite see an old guys along with so many young little kids showing how well they can play.

That said, I guess the only way to move forward is to challenge myself, to do just the thing that I wouldn't dare to do. That's why I wanted to take the exams. I want to fulfill the dream of being able to play for my wife when I get old and useless =)

Anyways, I went to watch these chain of flash videos that got me thinking of playing the piano in the first place, other than the fact that the person I liked that that time could play the piano. Hahas..

These are really good. So go watch them okae? It'll keep you entertained while I'm gone.

mr suan is...

leaving on 21st September 2008, 0010 hrs.

the new fat me!

You know, at the end of the day, it's just gonna be you. So live happy. Live happy.

final theory.

PASSED!

83.5?!!!!

Today was another day spent on trying to clear all of the paperwork from the previous exercise before I finally fly off. It is totally killing me, I tell you. I can't see myself finishing at all. It's just too time consuming. And my desk has no space!!! Every fucking inch is covered with paper. That's how bad it is. Man.. And it would help if my clerks actually can help instead of just knowing how to fax and raise purchases and going to online forums... Argh.

Managed to spend some time visiting my missing men too.. Haix. There are so many people who are on long term MC! I am actually quite worried for them. It's actually quite a shock for me that there are so many people with REAL problems in Singapore. I always lived in a incubated environment where I thought the worst thing that could happen to someone was to have their parents die or something. But really, my QM tour taught me that there are so many people out there who have so many more problems and that I am really truly blessed being in the situation I am in. At least I am not facing eviction, conviction, or anything.

I had dinner with Tan Long and Friend. And when we were talking later on, he also mentioned that so many of us are so blessed and fortunate that we don't have the impetus to improve. I guess that is pretty true. So what if we have the brains and the means, we have no motivation to move forward.

What is my drive? What is the one thing behind me that causes me to step forward? I feel that I am still searching for it. For so long, I hoped that it would be someone, or God. But then I realise that it must be something in me. Some kind of lofty ideal to hold up my own sky.

You know, I don't see myself working really hard for a long time. I wish to travel the world and to life moment to moment, capturing each memory and holding it for as long as it would have me. I want to kayak, I want to cycle, I want to shoot photographs all around the globe. At least for now. Hahas..

What do you want to do for the rest of your life?

trooops!

ZOMG! I just stumbled on this totally cool blog shop that sells the shades that 木村拓哉 wears in Change!
I am actually thinking of buying quite a few of their sunglasses already. It's supposedly totally the fashion now in Korea/Japan/anywhere-that's-not-Singapore. Check these out. They actually take their own photographs and all. Wahhh..
I'm thinking of buying the yellow one and black one. What do you think? But I think I won't be able to match it with any of my clothes leh.. Hahas..

Pamela is thinking of buying the whole shop already right? Lols.

I can't wait for them to come up with some guy clothes. HOPEFULLY WITH MY SIZE RANGE and not some tall skinny type. =/

So what are you waiting for? Go visit TROOOPS!

Cos I'm Leavin' on a Jet Plane....

I am quite surprised that not a lot of people know that I will be gone for quite a while to the country where Heath Ledger came from. I guess I never did publicise it a lot. Just in case you miss me too much and wonder why I ignored your smses / calls / tags / comments / wall posts, while I am gone, here's the official out-of-office assistant...

Hi There,

I will be gone from 20 Aug 08 to 22 Nov 08 on Exercise -bleep- in -!@#$A%-. Don't miss me, I know you won't =)

Mr Suan

There are so many things that I want to say but cannot... It seems that I have lost that ability to express what I am thinking or feeling.

They sort of come out as music in my head. In slow tunes and flashes of memories here and there. It's a light kind of feeling, instead of the intensities like when I was younger. A tinge of wishing life could be rewound and lived again so that I could smell and taste the yesteryears and relive those beautiful days where the sun felt so refreshing and we could smell the astroturf as we prepared for assembly. Ahh..

I am growing up too fast. Lord, let me wake up in as a secondary school student!

candles

There was a Mid Autumn Festival celebration near the train station when I came home. At first the getai attracted me since it was playing a song I heard in 12 Lotus which I watched yesterday with Pamela.

Then as I got closer I saw little kids playing with lanterns and candles. You know, when I was about that age, I remember going for the same getai/fun fair thing and playing with the same candles. I remember being so enamoured with a simple candle, just giving off heat and light by itself. It was just so beautiful in the night...

Something in me just felt warm and fuzzy again. =)

my first weekend!

in a month. Wahh.. Time feels so slow.. I don't ever want to go back to work!

We have finally finished packing for ******* and now it's time for me to rest a little bit before I disappear for 2 months. Suddenly feel like being into a blitz relationship! So that I can recharge and feel good. Hmm. Selfish hor?

Idealism.

I'm taking a risk by blogging here cos well, cyber walls have ears. Hopefully I don't get Mashed Slashed and Diced!

Do you remember a time when you were still in that emo stage, and everything was so painfully melancholic? Like an sms would keep you thinking all day, and all the sad songs have a certain special meaning, almost as if it was written just for that particular moment in your life.

Do you remember thinking about a special someone and how times were so beautiful and sparkling together?

I miss those times.

You know, I am reminded once again of a journal entry which I wrote in Primary School about how I wanted to grow up so that I could have more control of my life (well, I didn't actually write that, but I meant it) so that my parents would not quarrel as much.

Well, now I realised how wrong I was. Growing up means giving up that special something in your heart that makes it beat slightly faster. Growing up means getting used to life being unfair. Growing up means expecting people to be baddies instead of good guys. Growing up means being disappointed at others and their actions.

Do you remember a time much earlier, when you did something and expected a certain response and often got it? Like how you would demand a Potong ice-cream from Mum and get it. Or how you will whine about that Power Ranger and eventually get your hands on one.

Now think. What is the one thing that you really want? Do you even know? And if you do, what is stopping you from just asking for it? Because we have stopped believing, and stopped receiving.

I wish naivette didn't hurt as much, so that we can all be naive people. Because naive people believe and dare to go out there and grab what they want. So yes, I want to be naive. No one stop me with your realistic mumbo jumbo about pragmatism and survival and what-nots.

Because this is what I am. And this is what I will be.

slack slack!

I have been getting these dizzy spells and migraines with much frequency lately. And true to my genes (from my Dad's side), I started wondering if I had something (other than my brain) up in my head. Well, if it happened to RQ, it could happen to me right? Someone once said that there would be 1 in 3 people who will have some sort of cancer by the year 2050. Hmm.

Anyways! Because of one such dizzy spell, I got easily seduced by CSM's idea of going home during lunch time. So we both stowed away in his Vios, him to his lovely shopping trip with his wife, and me back home to reading and sleeping and indiscretions..

This entry is about MILESTONES. I have 2 to report.

Number 1: I just finished reading Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell! It has 1008 freaking pages and is the longest thing I have read so far since.. Harry Potter? But this was closer to Sophie's World in terms of its plot. So winding and dark. Argh.

Truth be told I have this very bad habit of reading too many books at the same time and end up not finishing any. And it's particularly agonising when I have to finish one. I don't believe you can begin to imagine the number of books I have begun reading and not finished. Suzanne Clark is one lucky author. Hahas..

Anyways, it was a very good read. The pace was just right throughout, and there were enough twists for you to want to keep reading it to find out what was going on. There was also a good play on the personalities in the book that is much of an exposé on the contradictions of human character. Go read it! (if you have a lot of time or if you can stand reading something for a month)

Number 2!: I JUST WENT SWIMMING!!!!!!

I feel like.....


or...



MORE LIKE.......



Woot! I finally picked up enough willpower to will my fat ass out of the rosewood sofa and out of the house. I feel so accomplished! =)

Did 30 laps and felt a sufficient ache in my deltoids to stop. I haven't swam in at least 4 months! And I haven't even really exercised in 2 months. How absolutely disgusting. Hahas.. But now I am determined to keep exercising! Flab be gone!

But seriously, I think the new fatness is starting to show signs of threatening my health. Like constant backaches and tired wakings, and random headaches. Time to get rid of this cardiac attack/diabetes/hypertension/stroke/whatever-f-fat-causes belly!

GREEN TEA!

iPhone 3G is OUT!

如果你是科技白痴，或像我一样呆在兵营太久了，那就让我宣布一个迟来的消息···

iPhone　３G　已经面市了！！！！

现在世界的每一个角落想必一定是在抢购它吧！我自己也要买一个白色的！可惜的是只有新电信的用户才能把iPhone的功能发挥出来。我这个M1 用户根本分不到一杯耕。我想这下子新电信一定会收到很多“逃兵”吧！是我的话，我也会因为iPhone转换通讯服务公司的。

现在我只需要等老天爷降下钞票给我了！哈哈哈。

林依晨！！

哦天！我坠入爱河了！

刚刚看完了《恶作剧之吻２》，觉得林依晨好好好好好可爱喔！

如果我有像她一样的女友，我想我一定会是一个超幸福的男人。


碰巧她在这一张照片里的发型是我超喜欢的。哈哈。

林依晨嫁给我吧！

thoughts.

The days are rolling by without much eventfulness. The date for the closure of this chapter of my life looms closer, and attempts to lengthen it has been coming from so many persons at work. Frankly speaking, I am very tired and jaded from work and really do not wish to continue. Yet, because of the peculiar situation we are in, I guess I could really extend my services for a while more...

For the longest time, I have been waiting for the day when all falls down because I know that this sort of workload is unsustainable.. or at least it is too much to be, yet the day of reckoning and break down never came. Honestly, I am really pretty amazed at my capacity for work. Thank God for His providence and blessings.

However, even though the fort is still being held, I am increasingly feeling the strain in my mind. I haven't been to church for 3 weeks, with this Sunday being the fourth. I haven't went out with my friends for two weeks, and I haven't really had time to think for eons. It's about time I took some time off to sleep, to just walk around, to emo, to stare into blank space, or even to go out with a random girl to feel 幸福.

The vigour I brought to my work so many months ago is all but gone, and I have become a complainsome bitch whom I hate. That is not to say that I am not working as hard, just that I have become more grudging in my belief that I should do everything to the best of my abilities. It's a difficult principle to work by and I am barely hanging on. I need someone to whine to, yet I need to be steel and stable and the pillar upon which so many rely on.

I think I have reached a conclusion: that I will not extend my service any longer. I will still go back to help, but I don't believe it is in the best interests of anyone that I stay beyond my time. Perhaps this is the only way out. I only pray that my understudy would be a hardworking and humble one who is willing to learn and empathise...

Lord, please allow me to rest.

One down, two more to go!

The Exercise is finally over and there is finally some time to gather my thoughts and blog.

Right this moment, I still have auditors on my arse and paperwork the height of Mt Everest to clear. But I am choosing not to think of them. It's pretty amazing how my maxim of taking one step at a time has been working for so long. As the Chinese say, the boat straightens itself once it reaches the bridge. Thank God that I have gone through so much and yet am still living, possibly even "thriving" in the work sense.

I realised how much I have changed over the months since the last exercise til now. My mentality has changed. I was once hands on and believed that I can and should do everything that my men are doing. Now I have learnt that as a Commander, one must stay above the fray and give directions as to what your subordinates have to do. It's not an easy thing to do, since you see your men working so hard, yet are unable to help them. I hate being a bystander, yet at the same time, it didn't seem appropriate for me to do the work, lest they not grow.

It's quite a dichotomy for me because I wonder sometimes if I have slackened and probably just didn't want to get my hands dirty, so to speak. I guess there's a little of both.

At the same time, I have managed to see through this exercise, who are the people who can really work, and what is the true nature of each of the men. There were instances to show their differences and chances for them to mend their fences, which I thought was great for our general health. No better way to work things out!

It has been tiring, but hey, it's over =) I'm just left with foot rot and a lot of stores to clear.. But come on.. it's finally finally over.

Now all there's left is aussie.. Just bring it!

The older I become, the more immune I am to my feelings. I have reached a whole new level, where I am able to deny what I feel. The once familiar thumps and affectations are no longer there, replaced by a placidity and a cool knowledge of what the real world really is like. No more majestic ideals of a life I once dreamt of.

No more pipe dreams about marrying the woman of my dreams and having kids and just living well. Just knowing that I have to find the best way to live my life, and that I have to decide now how my life is going to turn out. I am no longer a kid, and it's about time I stopped indulging in the toys of my teenagehood. I have to be sure of what I want and just go for it.

Yet, is what we want what we really need?

Sign on.

It seems like I only blog on Saturdays or Sundays lately. What to do? I am a busy man. Hahas.. Work is not as bad as before, now that my heavy burden, the LRI, is over. Did I mention we got an 'A' grading? Muahahahahas..

You know, I have been seriously thinking through the idea of signing on in the Army. And I talked to quite a number of people this weekend about it. It seems like the negativity and objection about it wasn't as strong as I expected.

What made me seriously consider was what MAJ Leo said to me a few days back, "You know, I'm not a Christian, but this is what Christians call God giving you a sign" in response to my complaint that every single soul I meet is asking me to sign on. Even the ES helpdesk people. I was just struck by that statement because he has no idea that I am a Christian.

Thinking about it, I would have nothing much to lose. The Army would pay for my studies, and I will just be bonded for 4 - 6 years. Sure, the idea seems dreary, especially when everyone else ORDs... but. I don't know.. I'll still take time to think about it. But I am quite interested to find out what the Army can offer me...

Should I?

I am starting to think seriously that all my overworking has to stop. It has lasted for too long and I am starting to feel both physically, emotionally and psychological exhausted. The respite that I had been waiting for never did come, and by the way things are going, the tempo promises to climb to a fatal pace.

I can't seem to find a way out though. I am predisposed to doing what I have to do. I just can't be like others who can just not care. I am just not that kind of person. Even if it might be out of the way for me to do something, I will still do it within my means. I do catch myself wishing I were otherwise though.. wishing that it would not weigh so heavily on me.

I can feel it already. The drag in my feet, the lack of enthusiasm in dealing with the problems with my servicemen. I am slowly falling apart, almost as if I'm just waiting for the day I break down. I only hope I would be able to hold it all until I ORD.

God give me strength!

ohfiveassixaye class gathering!

We finally had a gathering! Thanks to me =)

The response was quite good, with 11 people coming. What more could I ask eh? It was a good time playing basketball again just like old times, and it was very reminiscent to see the tiles which they made us do in JC2.

I realised that most of my memories in JC are of kayaking. I really miss everyone and the feeling of kayaking! Unfortunately work has been relentless and sucky. How I wish everything would end soon!!! Urgh. I don't want any more audits, inspections or exercises!

Anyways, we had a sushi buffet, and shopping today.. Eventually went to Rochor for tau huay too.. So I would say that this was a successful gathering! =) yayness.

遗失的美好

如果要我说我这一生最快乐的时光的话，我肯定会说是中三和中四的时候。当时的我还好单纯，还相信只要自己努力地奋斗，一切就会垂手可得。当时的我还相信着爱的存在，它超越一切的能力。

脑海里还能看见当时的我们，为了小品付出了不少心思，排练了好久，终于得了冠军。也是在中三的时候，我真真正正地爱上了第一个女生。回想起来好好笑喔！当时的我也没有为生活想太多，一心只是想玩，想享受这一分这一秒。那时多么灿烂的时光啊！

不知何时，我的人生观改变了。我变得沉默，悲观。我开始想像人生一切的无奈。压力也因为如此而增加。现在我也摆脱不了这种想法了。多么想时光倒流啊！但是真的会有不同吗？也许我是应该更勇敢的。

现在我只能好好地活下去。一个人好好地珍惜我的所有。现在也是美好的！

I just ate a Couple's Meal from KFC Delivery all by myself. That meant a Zinger Burger, 2 pieces of Crispy Chicken, a small popcorn chicken, a medium coleslaw and a medium whipped potato. Is that crazy or what?! Blame it on my laziness to go downstairs to buy food and on KFC to not offer ala carte stuff. Argh. Carbs! Calories! FAT!!!

So there has been alot alot of comments lately on how fat I have become. As you know, I KNOW. It's really bad because I wake up with backaches and I get tired during late afternoon. It's horrendous. Now I know how it feels to be fat!

Okay, so I am not uber fat like how others are, but it's already getting quite unbearable. I shall take up an active interest in cutting down all this flab! Bleh.

The day before the day before work.

The day went by swiftly =/ I had hoped that the weekend would last longer. I sort of envisioned myself sitting in Cafe Galilee in the Esplanade Library sipping [hopefully now] good coffee and watching the Singapore River go by..

Well, unfortunately I woke up only at 11.30am and ended up playing Dynasty Warriors 6 and surfing the net. Talk about wasting time! And I eventually met up with Chow since we haven't met up for quite a while.

I was really reminded of why we didn't meet up for so long. No offence, Chow, but I think lately I haven't been able to get used to the air of indignation you bring around with you. It's tiresome. And after a whole week of slogging my ass off, the last thing I would want is to hear bitching and denouncing others just to make yourself feel good. Bleh. Hope you understand.

Anyway! I finally bought Sara Bareilles' CD, Little Voice. Gravity Gravity Gravity!! I also bought Breakfast at Tiffany's just to see what's so great about Audrey Hepburn that has the whole world raving about her. I haven't watched it yet though.. I did watch "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days". Ahh.. Majestic Love. Hahas.

Right. Now now, what should I do tomorrow to suspend this time I have away from work?

The feeling of confusion and butterflies last week are all but gone. Nothing a healthy dose of overworking and stress can't kill eh.

It's just as well.

The gold-dust mania at church has been weighing quite heavily on my heart. It seems like we are focusing so much on the signs and wonders and forgetting the real message that Jesus brings: Love.

It was with curiosity at first that I started looking up websites about the Toronto Blessing and Lakeland Revival that Pastors were talking about. And I got quite horrified by what I found. Most of the things that I have found about Todd Bentley and the Lakeland Revival have been negative. Some even going into how he is a false prophet and is involved in the occult. Reading on, it becomes very very scary, what with money giving angels and trying to eat the Fruit of Life.

What does this hold for our own church? How much do our pastors know about this? Or are we too blinded by revival? What happened to everything having a biblical backing and following biblical patterns? There is no mention of gold dust in the bible. In fact, God asks us not to chase after gold or silver. Neither is there any mention of God manifesting himself through laughter...

Am I too disbelieving or....

My Death.

There are 2 ways that I think I will die of during times when I imagine my death:
1. By being hit by a car
2. By bursting a blood vessel in my brain.

I tend to think of the second one when I get migraines. I have a migraine now. Ms Tan, my Primary 3 form teacher had migraines too. She died of an aneurysm.

Don't you sometimes wonder who will be at your funeral? Hopefully mine will be a Christian one even though I would be too dead to stop my dad from holding a Taoist Buddhist Whatever-the-crap-he-believes-in one.

I would request for a closed coffin because I always hated looking at dead people's faces. They don't even look like themselves! What is the comfort in reaffirming that your loved one is very very much dead - and fugly dead at that?

Anyways, the question was who will be there? I can imagine The Gang. Definitely Pamela. Perhaps some OG friends. Then maybe some classmates. Would people fly back from overseas?

What would my eulogy sound like? "An average joe who lived his life and loved his friends. He likes everything loud and cult symbols like Macs, Vespas and Mini Coopers. Funny guy - actually not really. Well, we'll miss him!"

Just before I die, I will say something cool like "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened". Then hopefully people will smile and remember me always as the weird awkward crazy guy.

I'd grow wings and watch my body being cremated as people watch on. My ashes will be scattered into the wind, hoping to bless each of my loved ones.

And they will miss me for a while, but realise that the world doesn't stop spinning. And they shouldn't stop tooo. Then they will forget me. But I would be happy for them. Content just to watch from afar.

And over time I will fade. When all has become blurry images in their minds. I will rest until I awaken again, and then, we will see each other again.

To love once more.

REMEMBER THIS!

I suddenly got it like how I suddenly got it the last time until I lost it! Hahas. I'm writing this down so that I'll remember. Get it?!

ColorGenics thingie stolen from Pam's blog.

Name: Mr Suan
Date: 7/4/2008
Colorgenics Number: 41325067

---

You are constantly hoping that your good fellowship and attitude and your 'love for your fellow man (or women)' will give you peace of mind. You need people - people around you to care for you and to show you that they care. It is this hope that keeps you going, the hope that makes you the type of person that indeed you are. Your own need for approval seemingly makes you always ready to help others and in exchange you seek love, warmth and understanding. You will always listen to others and you are open to new ideas which hopefully will prove fruitful and interesting.

You are a leader in every sense of the word. You know where you are going and you know what you need to do in order to get there. You exercise an inherent initiative in overcoming obstacles and difficulties. You either hold, or wish to achieve, a position of authority by means of which full control can be exerted over events.

Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offence, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.

Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.

You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

I am actually kinda surprised that this is very true. Hahas.

我好想去台湾喔～！昨天开始看了《恶作剧之吻》，觉得林依晨好好好可爱喔！我要去台湾见她！

还记得去年到台湾的时候，真的有好多东西看，好多东西买耶。特别是他们的游乐场超好玩的！女生又超赞！哈哈＝）

我要去台湾！

It must be difficult reading my whining about the arduous nature of my work. It is something that I'd rather not do, yet there can be no relief from the sad sad stress that I face. A shopping spree didn't help, glorious PS3 games didn't help. I don't really know what will. I need to ORD soon before it all overflows and consumes me.

I have been thinking lately of the future that lies ahead of me. A part of me fears that what I'm going to do for the rest of my life would be to work and work, imprisoned behind a computer. That's perhaps also why I keep getting pictures of some vehicle running me down whenever I cross a road. It seems like a suitable way to avoid painful living where dire dreams are not fulfilled.

I am not depressed or suicidal though, just a tad bit morbid these days. I miss the carefree days where I didn't have to worry much about what the next day brings. Now I dream of work and worry about it in weekends. It's not a good life. Yet who will be able to really understand what I speak of? The sad fact is that the problem is my own to solve - and that it is unsolvable by wit, only by time.

I wish things were brighter. How did everything become so awry in my mind's eye? When did life lose its splendour and food its taste? The weight is too great. I pray I won't collapse.

最近因为工作量很大的关系总是觉得很烦恼。就算是周末也觉得很无趣、很无聊。也因为生活的乏味，开始胡思乱想。

我好累啊！做不完的工真的是很令人难受，属下又没有想像中地能够体谅我的情况。如果兵役是一个能辞掉的工，我早就不干了。

其实不是真的那么坏，但是有时后好想能对某个人发发牢骚，诉诉苦。神啊！饶了我吧……

*

God it's true. I am stupid and emo.

I spent the whole of my taxi trip thinking about *. I guess I am partially just bored stiff with nothing else going on in my life except for my work. And my driving. And my piano lessons. And church. And. Yeah. That's actually all.

I must stop thinking about *. (Hah! I patent * as mine!!) It has become a sort of habit I can't really quit. But I know it just takes time. And time is what I have against *. Busyness and stress will make me forget!

All this *ring (pronounced as starring) is getting quite fun. Hahas. **** **** *******. LOL!

the blog roll problem.

I am quite pissed off that the new "blog roll" function cannot work for my Mac. Is it because I am using a Mac, or because I am using an OSX that is not even the minimum requirement anymore? But it's not supposed to affect what! It must be Blogger who are not doing their scripting properly.

HEY BLOGGER! IF YOU ARE READING THIS, CAN YOU TELL ME WHY BLOG ROLL IS NOT WORKING FOR ME?! I CAN'T ADD BLOGS TO THE LIST!!

you are so fat, that when you jump for joy, you got stuck!

I have been getting repeated comments that I am becoming FAT. Urgh. First it was CSM, then G4, then CCO, then Amy then DYG1 then MAJ Tong, and now Tan Long today!! OMG.

I don't want to become Mr Potato Head! I must do something to change this man. (Like start training for the StanChart Marathon!) It just seems though, that the more I train, the fatter I get. Is it just a coincidence? Or is it just some excuse I came up with to not run? Hmm. I really really need the Nike Sportband to help me!

Someone get it for me =)

I am considering telling the guys the truth about RQ's condition. It seems like everyone else knows about it, and its not very fair to them to not know. Yet. What will they do? I'm not confident they will not spread it or say insensitive things.

Man, if only my men were a sensitive and considerate lot.

_ ______ ____ ___

I wish I were some talented litty person who could immediately launch into an archaic poem to hide what I want to say under. But what I want to say, many have said before, and I afraid it would be all too transparent.

Down in the little paved streets
Under the dim lamps
You stand, a shadow cast upon earth.
Are you watching or waiting?

And the time keeper patrols, keeping me
Here in a lost memory
I am entombed, yet enthralled
Am I ever going to be freed from the prison of my making?

Two runners running on skew lines
Different paths that would be destined to never meet again
Worlds apart.

Two lands linked by a chasm
Different thoughts will never reconcile.
Hearts that yet murmur rumours of the other.

God. It's been a long time since I tried this. It's HARD! I am gonna stop here. Anyway, it doesn't really makes much sense to me. Hahas.. I just want to say _ ____ ___. Hahas. I'm feeling the satisfaction of doing a Rich.

Truthfully, I am feeling quite emo now. Yet emo is not something I bring out to the table to talk about anymore. I have long learnt how to deal with it: to suppress it. For those who want to know more about it, I find nigahiga quite informational (more funny actually).

Let's not talk about it though...

nyKRT team tee.

I have the feeling of pregnancy. The feeling of delight when one sees the product of his creative energy. Ahhh~


The Kayak Racing Team tee is out! I only designed the back. The front is totally the effort of our dear Audrey. But would you look at that?! I've had this design for 3 years and finally it's out in print!! And everyone on the team would wear it. I feel for the first time, proud!

The 952nd Saturday of My Life.

It is oddly comforting for me to have so much time on my hands on this very Saturday unlike many of my other Saturdays. I would have thought it disconcerting to stay at home for the most part of the day, tempted by my beautiful Mac; or having to listen to the petty little quarrels that my family is so fond of. The true story, however, was quite unexpected.

I was not at home all day bien sur! I was out first thing in the morning for my piano lessons. I was not much good, as usual. I wonder when a wondrous gift will descend upon me, afterwhich I would require no practice to play very well indeed. Yes, I hope all the hours of my life for such a miracle to happen!

An interesting highlight of the day was probably the fact that I queued up for 4-D just for amusement in my waiting for my dear Mother and Sister. They were unfortunately quite late in meeting our appointment. You can imagine what I was forced to do at the end of the queue! I ended up buying a Quick Pick ticket. Singaporeans hate people who queue only to give up their slot, you know. They would give those dirty looks that say, "did you just stand in front of me to irritate the hell out of me by taking up space?" or "wah liao, don't buy queue what f***?"

The Singapore Pools proved to be much too efficient on this day, such that I still had to buy a set of The Straits Times to wait out for my family, who are no doubt putting on the finest cosmetics of sleeping clothes to venture out into the Market. By the time we finally got to our Brunch, the duck was very much dead, roasted and braised.

Afterwards in the afternoon, I met up with Pamela for some soup at the Soup Spoon. Calories added to my already generous belly! I must say these days are horrendous for me, what with the low security I have of my personal image. Not to mention the various disadvantages of feeling plus-sized such as backaches, bad hair, etc.

Anyways, I suspect I was a decoy for meeting someone else. Hmm..

Another keyboard lesson was in order in Hsia Pin's house in Pearl Bank where I learnt to play various songs such as Be Still and O Praise Him. Nothing very remarkable I'm afraid. My phobia of playing has not really resided. I wonder where the source is from really, but I cannot find it. Everything that is of my hand just somehow sounds bad. It seems that the world is as ill at ease with me as I am with it.

On a side note, Jonathan Strange has finally arrived in my reading. The book is promising to be quite a good read despite its imposing appearance. Do dig in if you manage to procure a copy. Or ask me nicely enough, and I would find the nearest chance to loan it to you.

With that, I should retire. Have a pleasant Saturday night. Au revoir!

Money makes the mind go materialistic.

It's PAY DAY!!! Actually more accurately, it's ONE DAY BEFORE PAY DAY!!!

I am really thinking of getting myself the Nike Plus Sportband. Ahhh.. Yes, yes, I know I said I won't buy anything from a money grabbing conglomerate like Nike.. but it's a watch. And I probably can dig a hole in my Mizuno's to fit in the sensor right? right??

I actually wanted to stay in camp today to save some money, but I forgot my darn keys. (BOOO..)
So I ended up going to Starbucks to read Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clark. It was pretty cool, really. The New York Cheesecake I had for dinner was also tasty =)

I tried buying Sara Bareilles, but apparently the Sembawang Music Centre in Northpoint is too backwater for them to stock her. (WTH?) I ended up whiling away in Popular - which really isn't as bad as it sounds. I think my lot and calling in life is really to start a bookshop cafe and stay in it all day =D. So anyways, I ended up buying a pen so that I will not buy something else. And I must say it writes really REALLY well. It flows like grease and makes my words look oh so pretty! Hahas. Himbo! The downside is of course, it looks like brown things you pass out of your body (choose shit or bogey). Look:
Unappetising!

I so want to get a FOUNTAIN PEN! I don't really know why. I'm just obsessed with it. I saw a $20.15 one at Popular. Yet I think I probably will get some crash and totally regret when I really do get one. Get a grip man!

Okay okay. I should go bathe and sleep now. Ta ta!

Fear of Men.

It is of my opinion that one should not be caught up with the opinion of others. Quite recently, I have had the experience of dealing with the aftermath of someone who just so. He allowed the words of someone else to get to him and eat him from the inside.

How deadly the fear of man is! And how powerful the simple words that come out of our mouths are. I am so much the same. I asked a question just yesterday to fulfill my curiosity of how others thought of me. Yet I realised - how would it matter? It simply does not.

It does not matter if I am fat or thin, handsome or ugly. Even intelligent or otherwise. Simply because everyone would think something else. And I am as real as I think I am. I am only fat when I think I am. Sometimes I think Sis doesn't really think that she is fat. That is how she lives with it.

What really matters is God's opinion of us. At the end of the day, we only account to Him. Yet why don't we see that? Why do we so want to please others by being the thin and handsome guy? I guess it's all instinct?

This is really a reminder for me to do things for myself and not for pleasing others. Now, that's a hard thing to do where I work - the world of balls. I shall persist!

Crikey. Why must Microsoft Word hang right when I was halfway into translating the sermon?! I so hate the rainbow-coloured twirling circle on my Mac now! I hate Microsoft more. Argh!!!

iPhone 2 Leaks

Can it be? Will Apple announce the iPhone 2 on Monday's WWDC keynote?! I certainly hope so! The new one seems to adopt a matte black back cover as compared to the shiny silver (think scratch prone) one we have now.

I certainly hope that the rumours of the upgrades (5 MP camera, GPS, 3G) are true because iPhone just seemed so disappointing despite all the hype that was generated. Hopefully this one lives up to everything we hope for! If, that is, it comes out at all...

Fingers crossed!

See Cult of Mac article

mahjongggg~

I have finally progressed to "The Unfinished Symphony" by Frank Schubert after being stuck on Scheherazade for weeks. Yayness! Hopefully I can progress real quick and take exams! (dream dream dream oh dreeeeam..)

There was also a small mahjong session at Tan Long's today. I think it was the first time in a long time where we decided not to get everyone because well.. it might end up like the last time where not everyone could be involved.

I know I should have did something about my hair!! I look so bad in this photograph! I kinda insisted on taking a photograph so that I can post this here. Hahas.. unfortunately every photo turned out to have something wrong with it. This, I think, is the best we can get.

So anyways, I won money!!! How unchristian of me. Hahas.. But one indulges in such occassional indulgences. It fast got tiring though. As a matter of fact, I am still suffering from a slight migraine right now even as I try to translate Pastor Angeline's sermon into Chinese. Hopefully I'd be able to do a good work of the translation tomorrow!

Thank God It's Friday!

I never used to understand why there was such a phrase as "Thank God It's Friday". Shouldn't it be "Thank God! It's Sunday."? Yet lately I have been finding myself living for the weekends. Just waiting during the week for the precious two days to come in which I will not have to go back to dear old Mandai Hill. I guess I have grown weary of fighting the paper mountain alone... RQ when are you coming back?! The truth is, it's a question no one can really answer. And as Commander of the QM Platoon, it's a truth I have to take in stride and with fortitude.

You know, work's not all bad. I know I make it sound like that here. But it simply isn't true. I have a bunch of good kids who try to do their jobs well. As a matter of fact, I visited Kelvin today at his home. He had a knee injury sustained during BMT, and he's resting at home after surgery. I tried to buy him $25 worth of things as was the entitlement, yet I couldn't find much to buy. Ended up getting durians (my treat) and a watermelon and apples. Hmm. Pretty strange things to give, if I would say so myself. Kelvin is one of the better kids. It's really quite sad that he has to have MC until July.

Anyways, I was supposed to have my off day today, but I felt quite compelled to go back in the morning to clear up my shitload of indents before the week ends. And truth be told, it feels quite good to have some things off my back! Plus the fact that I ran 9KM today. Yay! Fats be gone! And thank you toinh for the perpetual reminder of my FTT failure. And also to Chor Seng for telling him in the first place =/ I expect to really get balloons hor!

The actual highlight of the day was definitely the movie night with me family. We went to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull cos Mum had free tickets for us all.

I went straight to Great World City for the dinner buffet after visiting Kelvin. The food was well, so so. I would say that the event was pretty small as compared to what we have seen in the mess. So anyways, I should get on to the movie. Personally, I felt that having a "aliens came to Earth millenia ago to impart technology and knowledge" plot was a little cheesy. Given the fact that we have already heard this story a million times! But it was a fun action movie to watch. I especially liked the parts where Indy rolled into cars (not a few times!) to push the bad guys out of the cars. And despite what Tan Long said about Cate Blanchett having a minimal roll, I felt that she had the perfect Ukrainian accent and she acted sufficiently this time. I give the movie 4 stars!

I also saw the Nike Band on our way home. You know, if Nike wasn't a money sucking conglomerate which forces me to buy a Nike Plus shoe just so that I can use the Nike Band, I would actually have bought it. But no. You have to have a shoe just for the device. How lame is that?! I have decided to find some way to circumvent this!!! Say no to monopolisation and restriction of consumer sovereignty!

keeping me without chains.

I wish you were still here. There are really time when I miss a decent conversation. Just having someone to call and talk about nothing much in particular. Was there such a time? Or did I actually imagine it? Sometimes I really can't tell anymore.

Thoughts have a way of getting convoluted when the brain stops working. And my brain hasn't been working for quite a while. Work work work is all I can think about, and the feelings are just not there anymore. The desire for something more in life. The hope that there is more to our living than 8 to 5 and getting enough money. The dreams of vacationing or being transplanted in a foreign country where buildings are actually really buildings! They are just not so much there anymore.

Replaced is a sense of being lost. I don't really know how to move on with life except to let it move on by itself, day by day lost into meaninglessness. I don't experience things as acutely anymore. And sometimes I wonder if it's because I lost you.

It really freaks me out to think that life for the next 80 years (yes I am going to be a centenarian) is going to be like this. Can it be? I certainly hope not.

Maybe I just miss you.

300th

I failed my Final Theory!

SAD.

I got upset enough to not want to meet Liansheng at VivoCity. And I basically slept/stoned my off day away. Haix.

gravity.

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long. No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here till the moment I'm gone. You hold me without touch; you keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. Set me free, leave me be... I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity...

sara bareilles

I'm falling in love with Sara Bareilles! She's tall, she has long hair, and she has a cool spelling name! My kind of girl. Hahas..

I first heard her "Love Song" on radio, but only managed to find out her name from the mahjong session at Ivan's last Saturday. Then I went to look her up in YouTube. And it was wow! She is a fusion of KT Tunstall with the vocals of Sara Groves. There is also this tinge of Corrinne May. This is exactly the kind of music I love. Jazzy and yet not exactly so. Hmm.. Plus the fact that she plays the piano!

There was this particular song that really caught me up because of what it said.

I am going to go buy her CD the moment I get my next pay!

Work has been hard as usual.. I am starting to develop a tendency to procrastinate because of the things that keep piling and piling. And because I procrastinate, I feel more and more stressed because things keep piling up even more. You get the drift.

It's horrid.

I just packed my cabinet and dug out ancient clothes which I forgot I had... Threw away some clothes I never wore too. There was this mega big red Giordano tee which someone gave to me on my birthday... Pity that it had to be thrown, but I know I will never ever wear it.

I feel so accomplished! Hahas.

Trees of green

Have you noticed how kids just sit and look at things go by at times? I was sitting on the bus on my way to Tampines and I saw this little girl just staring into the blank space and just having this look of wonder in her face. It was as if the air was speaking to her, impacting her so much.

When was the last time I saw or thought about something in wonder? I remember the Physics lessons we had with Mrs Chan, and the way she allowed us to see the Eureka moments in our thinking. There was really a sense of satisfaction when you found yourself really getting something for the first time.

I believe I am starting to really get what the Word of God means too. Like what I told Tan Long, I feel like there is a sort of revival within me, a new hunger for what being a Christian really means. What exactly does God call us to be? I have found that the stereotypical view of a Christian is so far from the truth.. and how different the world sees us!

A great example of this is how the bible tells us how useless and unworthy we are without God (Ps 16:2) and yet the world expects us to be the epitome of goodness and perfection. That's exactly what the Bible teaches we cannot achieve! (Rom 7:18). Strange huh?

Anyways, I was really talking about the wonder that we had as children but lose as we grow up. Why is that? Is it because the world pollutes us too much? Or could it be that we have taken so many things for granted? The air that we breathe, the trees that we see, the clouds in the sky... these are all blessings and wonders! Yet here I am wondering when I can get my own car, and if a million bucks would drop on my lap. Hahas..

I guess it's all phases in our lives, and we really have to find back what is the most important in our lives: faith, goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and of the utmost, love!

This is the huger version of the last version.. Hmm.. Hope it helps!

=(

If you are feeling emo or sad right this moment, remember the feeling. Hold it. Treasure it. Give it a big hug and feel its embrace. You might not feel this strongly ever again. I know I don't. You won't get it now. Because you still have it. But you will understand it soon.

For the longest time now, life has been a very very flat line. Every day starts with me waking up at 6.30 AM and wishing I had more time to sleep. I will proceed to change into my clothes and then going for work. I will then feel faint in the car because I was dehydrated by not drinking water in the morning (don't ask me why it happens to me). Then work starts. And it's of course the same old thing over again, worrying about things that rightly concerns others. Logistics is all about getting other people's worries dumped on you and having you to solve it. What satisfaction! Anyway, work ends, and I go home for dinner. And I sleep. And then it starts again until the weekend comes.

Its all so uneventful that it's painful. It's also a very lonely job. Haix. Now that even RQ is not there.. I basically have no one to talk to. Why can't I have a normal NSF life like everyone else? I need a break. Even though no amount of breaks is enough.. I need respite. I need to feel again. I don't want to be buried by work and worries!

Argh! The agony!

Kayaking Tee Back.

I have decided to post this on my blog so that i don't have to worry that it didn't get to Audrey's email. =)

I have dreams..

I once dreamt of being a Japanese. Hahas.. Peck Hor would probably kill me if he saw this. It was just after I watched Beach Boys. I dreamt of the waves, of the carefree cycling around a small town. I dreamt of speaking a foreign language which sounded so kawaii.. I dreamt of meeting a cute girl and spending each moment with her.

I once dreamt of acting. Of being everyone and no one at the same time. Of wearing the fancy clothes I saw on television. Of living a life which everyone is interested it yet no one really cares for at the same time.

I once dreamt of falling in love. Of playing the piano to a her in my old age. Of sitting on the beach and just listening to the waves lapping on the shore while watching the sunset. Of strolling in parks. Of kissing her softly. Of meeting her in some romantic way, like we were swapped at birth and were fated to meet.

I once dreamt that I could reach the sky if only I tried. I thought all that was in the world merely waited for me to seize them. I dreamt that I could be a lawyer. Or I could be a singer. Or I could be a successful do-nothing without having a thing to worry about.

Then I woke up. And realised that it was all a lucid dream.

勇敢地向前！

As the death toll of the Sichuan Quake rises, another earthquake erupts in Columbia. This has been the third earthquake within this month, added to the Indonesian quake lately. What is happening to Mother Nature? What did God think when he allowed something like this to happen?

I don't believe we can ever fully understand the inner works and intents of God. But we can be sure of His promises. That He wills things for our ultimate good and not for our harm. In times of such tragedy, there are so many lessons that we can learn.

In the midst of the tears and blood, we see the warmth of human kindness. So many countries are despatching the aid teams needed for Burma and for China. So much money has been donated. The Chinese Embassy in Singapore has a queue longer than any other place with the Great Singapore Sale on because we the people want to do our part, be it so minuscule, to help those that cruelly have to survive the quake.

In all of these, I ask myself, "am I too desensitised to all these?" I shivered when I first saw the photographs of devastation; of people standing on heaps of unrecognisable rubble. Day by day, more and more of such photographs came flooding in through the tube, the papers, the internet. I begin to realise that we hold such great power in our hands now. Never has there been such a great movement to relieve a disaster of this magnitude. Not even for the Asian Tsunami. We have such power because of the Internet and the interconnectivity of the world we live in.

There have been so many times where we have blamed globalisation for our woes these past years. Terrorism has spread and become real because of globalisation. The bird flu has become a pandemic threat because of globalisation. Yet consider this. Consider the quake. Could we have been able to help China; could we have been able to help Burma had it not been for globalisation? Would we have even cared if our government didn't have vested interest in China?

I believe the quake has also opened such a wonderful platform for the world to know the China in the new millenium. The China that is not the stereotypical Communist country, nor the patriarchal nation we always perceived it to be. In the past weeks we have seen the deeds of the Chinese people and we have realised that they too are human. They are not aliens that we cannot relate to. They are not merely "foreign talent" brought here to replace us to extinction. What a wonderful opportunity for us to work together as Common People (tong bao)!

Surely, no one wanted such a thing to happen. But since it has, we need to learn how to move on. I pray for all those who have died in the quake and those who are injured or displaced. May God's peace be with them even as they go through such a difficult time. Yet may they one day find the courage to stride confidently into the future without a fear of the past.